Before he was locked up for criminal damage, all Carl Cattermole knew about prison was what he’d seen on TV and in the movies. Once inside, he discovered it wasn’t the “bloodbath” that he’d seen on TV, nor was it the rehabilitative experience politicians pretended it was. After doing his two-and-a-half years, he started writing out all the things he wished he’d known before going in…and now his guide to prison life’s been published.
Prison: A Survival Guide has just been released, and it’s a wealth of information for any burgeoning criminal or prison wannabe. Inside, you’ll find survival gems like:
- How to make salad dressing using a tin of tuna and “brown sauce”.
- Cleaning up the blood and puke from other inmates is the best paying gig in lockup.
- How to make “jail Velcro” with a coat hanger and a draw-string bag.
There are also some handy tips, too:
- Before going in, make sure you cancel all phone, cable, and internet services so you don’t get hit with the bills after your release.
- Claiming to be a “bedwetter” won’t get you a single cell anymore, but “hearing voices” might.
- Cigarettes aren’t the barter material they once were. Now, it’s tuna tins and toiletries.
The motto of The Boys Scouts of America is “Be Prepared.” That should go for criminals, too, right? Now, they can be. Congrats.